Cancer? But I Just Got New Boobs

                My beautiful boobie scarred and on its way to being permanently tanned.  I kind of want them to zap the other one for symmetry. I wouldn't say I'm vain but I won't deny it either. After my divorce, my ex husband said "As soon as you begin to age you'll be irrelevant. Once you lose those looks you're done." I shrugged it off as his insecurities. Trying to beat me down to make himself feel better. As the years go by, those words still continue to cause damage.  A few years ago, feeling the best I've had in years, just finishing writing my first book; I was strong, confident and on my way to being published. Now I have left something behind,  I am not done nor am I irrelevant. So in true Dee fashion I rewarded myself.  

              I always had a love/hate relationship with my boobs.  I loved them in the summer.  No bra, teeny tiny tanks and bikinis. Low cut blouses showing absolutely nothing. But then again, I equally hated trying not to look like an ironing board when wearing actual winter clothes. Naturally as a woman I always wondered what it was like to have more than a thirteen year old girls pre-teen boobs.  After the birth of my daughter I got that answer, the weight  I gained gave me boobs.  Round full gorgeous boobs,  but I was 20 + lbs heavier too. I weighed the pros and cons. The old me won out. I would rather be the skinnier little me than the buxom creature pregnancy transformed me into. I lost most of the weight and all of the boobs. I wasn't sad to see them go, I truly felt comfortable in my tiny little girl body. I regretted nothing, at least for a little while. 

          I never  thought gravity would affect my small child like breasts but hello deflated party balloons! Everything I loved about my perky little girls were slowly fading away.  Being the president of the itty-bitty titty committee all of my 40 years I figured let's try a little bigger during this new phase of my life.  New look,  new life but having bigger boobs does not equate happiness. They come with their own set of problems. My tiny tops had to go and long gone were the days of the itsy-bitsy teeny weenie bikinis. Unless of course I wanted to look like a porn star but if I learned to love my perky little cups I could learn to love the perky jugs. And love I did for a few short years before one mammogram changed that forever. 

           It is not difficult to imagine the enormity of hearing the words, You have breast cancer. I was alone and honestly it wasn't what I expected to hear; there isn't much history in my family but there was history. Normally I'm a pretty composed individual and I was so composed, I am sure they thought I hadn't any emotions. The irrational me came to visit immediately after I left the facility. I never realized actual fear until that moment. It's the hopelessness of no control over the possibility cancer will ravage your body, eventually killing you.  My initial reaction of course was get it out,  get it out! But after a lot of misery and contemplation came the shallow vanity thoughts. Things I couldn't say out loud. Things I'll definitely be judged by. 

           When I hear the words "Just be happy you're alive and it is treatable." I hear, "Who cares if your scarred,  who cares if your hair falls out,  your teeth fall out. Who cares if your skin shrivels up or you will go into early menopause. But, You're alive and really that's all that matters isn't it?"  Now in my case, I not only run the risk of having my voluptuous gorgeous breast be tanned from the inside out but my implant may harden and pucker. Oh Yay me! I probably can have a few more surgeries to pretty it all up but chances are I will have them removed. And there go the boobs.....I always say there is a bright side to everything. Yes even breast cancer can have a bright side. I gained some weight since the Boob job and my faux C's became D's. So my pre-boob job barely B's possibly will become barely C's. Life is still good. 

               Many who know of my situation - that's how I've been referring to it "my situation" say to me,  "It is amazing how you're dealing with all this." I smile accepting the compliment,  waving off the entire situation as if it's nothing short of a bother.  No one really wants to hear the panic or the worry. All anyone wants to hear are the words, "I'm good." Then they smile with their most sincere expression. I can see  in their pity filled eyes, thinking. "Ah good, the elephant is out of the room.  She's doing well,  she's good,  we don't need to act weird in front of her. She's doing well. She's good. Let's move on." No one sees the midday anxiety attacks and the shower sobbing and that's okay. It is precisely how I want to be perceived. I am strong,  I am feeling fine. The image in which I prefer to see myself is what I give out to the world... whether it's real or not. Am I fine? I don't really know, maybe that's just radiation brain. I just take it day by day but I do know what I see everyday. There are  a lot of other women and men going through  a lot worse than me and they're "good and doing well" too. When I am exhausted at the end of the day and my breast is swollen and sore, I think of all the people I meet in the radiation office every morning and I am humbled.  I am reminded by their stories, their strength and their smiles; We go on. We are strong and we survive! 

The Art of Chivalry....is dead.

The Art of Chivalry...hmmm. In this day and age dare I say the art of chivalry is dead. Of course it is!! No need to completely blame this one on men. I think it is more our fault than it is theirs. I am one of those women who doesn't need a man. I can pay my own bills, alone. I can paint my house, alone. I can travel, alone. I can raise my daughter, alone. Take care of my mother, alone. Yes I am the epitome of the modern woman of the 21st century. Yet something is missing. Where is my knight in shining armor? Did I scare him away not behaving as a damsel in distress? I want to be whisked away and taken care of. There is a certain security with that thought. Everything will be alright as long as I have my strong man beside me, who I trust to help me through life's misery. Men today expect their woman to be their own men...Confused? I am too. This is where some men might be offended. There was a time, not very long ago that men took on the roles of the master of the house. Granted in todays economy both parties have to work. I accept that but where is the chivalry? My grandmother and poppy were the sweetest couple to ever wed. My Poppy was the master of his house and my grandmother was his queen. He drove her around the corner to do laundry, and did all the shopping and most of the cooking. She wasn't a very good cook and in an Italian family the better cook is the chef. She was a mean old cranky bitch but never to him. I never heard of them fighting, in fact, my mother insisted they never had an argument. We know there are women who demand to be taken care of and degrades her man the end result, is a resentful distrusting man who feels under appreciated. That man is now useless, he will go on to treat all women as if they were greedy spoiled bitches. These are the opportunist women who have ruined it all for the women who want their King. Where are the days of wine and roses? Of holding hands and kissing under a full  moon? If my man wanted to take care of me and said "Baby, you stay home and write another book. I will take care of everything." I would cook for him, I would clean for us, I would run errands. All these things I would do out of love. I would hope he was taking care of me for the same reason. If I were treated the same way my grandmother was treated. I would be my Kings Queen and he can be his own man. I don't want the role of being the man and I shouldn't have to play it. Men are not men anymore, we women have emasculated them to being toys and playthings. We act like there are thousands at our disposal when real men are a dwindling species. We hold them with no regard and get angry when we are treated the same exact way we treat them. I am a lady and would love to be treated that way. There should never be conditions in any relationship. We do for each other out of respect and affection. Love is a two way street and I want to be on the same side and going in the same direction as the one I love.

What you see isn't necessarily what you are

Recently my daughter has been having body image issues. Wow...not to be in denial and say my daughter is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever encountered, she really is. She is one of the girls you hated in high school. Tall, lean, perfect skin, stunning blue eyes, long flowing hair and charming as hell. As women we understand that when you are attractive you automatically have a stigma against you. All the men want you, your girlfriends are jealous, afraid you will steal their man and love to degrade you. It's the life you lead. Beautiful people have it hard, I know so many that are the most insecure people in the world; it comes with the territory. Now I don't, nor never have come close to the beauty that is bestowed upon my child but yes I have suffered through this as well. I am unapproachable and men recoil. Women do hate me for no good reason and I have accepted it. Thank God my best friend is male. He's happy I'm attractive. If he isn't with his stunning girlfriend at least he can hang out with someone else who is close to that class. Do I like what I see in my mirror?....No. Never have. But I am okay with it. My daughter is 14 and looks 20 which again just makes me look like a hag when we are out in public but we must pass that torch eventually. Physical beauty is wonderful but it isn't everything, it's hard to explain this to a child. So I had to use a friend, well not a friend anymore but I used her as an example. She is stunning, exotic, dark, amazing body and on the outside a sweet loving girl. All those things are superficial. She is the ugliest person we know. She is a lying, manipulative, cunning, opportunist and when you really know her, all that shows through. As a mother I want my child to be secure with herself so I showed my own self loathing and she was horrified. She couldn't understand this. The mother she knows is confident, strong and almost never without an opportunity to have a man in her life. At my age I still dress as if I were a younger woman. I can still get a way with it....well at least for a few more years. In fact my daughter borrows my clothes...I think they are too old for her but they are too young for me...it balances out. We discussed being interesting on the inside. At this point in her life she doesn't feel she has any redeeming qualities. I told her, "Well at 14 you have only really been aware of your being for about 8years. So it takes time to figure out who you are and where you want to be. Shit it took me 30 years to be okay with what I see in the mirror everyday." At the age of 14 I knew I wanted to be a writer. This is my favorite quality in myself. I am a published author and couldn't be happier. I am also loyal, trustworthy, kind and extremely honest. The honest thing sometimes causes issues but I believe in the truth even if it hurts. One trait that has taken me years to perfect is my ability to put myself in other peoples shoes when confronted with a situation. Even if it hurts me I can always see the other side. It is logical and in the end I am a happier person. I try not to tell my child it's hormones, they don't want to hear that but I can tell her that at 14 I was just as miserable if not more. I didn't possess the same physical attributes she has, so it was much more difficult for me. Coupled with the fact I was poor as shit and ashamed for most of my childhood. I hope I have gotten through to her for the time being. Until then she can change her hair color every month, wear outrageous clothing and sulk. it's the pain of growing up beautiful, I hope she finds herself and not just in the refection she sees staring back at her.

Reflections: Catching Feelings?

Reflections: Catching Feelings?: Either I am getting old or some of the things people say are just ridiculous! Catching feelings is the new expression for unattached people ...

Catching Feelings?

Either I am getting old or some of the things people say are just ridiculous! Catching feelings is the new expression for unattached people who are fucking around with their friends with benefits and begin to actually like them. Once again, I do need to state I don't believe in the friends with benefits thing. If I am having sex with you, I don't want to know I am not the only one in your life; even if I know I am not. Yes, I am a rare bird where I want to be lied to. I would respect you as well, as far as you are concerned you are the only man in my life. It is the way it should be. I think we all come to a point in our lives where  meaningless sex lives could never outweigh a real relationship. Most men just fear it and women fear that the men are afraid so they never approach the subject. I am very upfront about the Friends with benefits thing: If you are my friend then we don't have sex...You can date me, be my lover and treat me like the spectacular woman that I am but we are not, nor will we ever be, friends.
This is the problem I have with society. We have become so demoralized, most do not care about each others feelings, well at least for those that "catch them". Catch them? I guess we have resorted back to the cootie stage of our childhood; feelings have become cooties. You don't catch feelings, even if it is just chemistry, those are feelings. They were there all along. The process of falling in love can be blissful and easy but in a lot of cases detrimental and traumatic to someone who may be alone holding all those feelings. We have become a society where we just try on people for size. It's a sad lonely world and it gets even lonelier when you fill it with meaningless and time consuming sex. Sure I can get laid and enjoy it very much, that could go on for months. The problems begin when I need to cry or be held without someone's hand going into my pants then who do I call? We all get older and most never want to look that far in advance. No one wants to think they will end up alone when it is a very real probability too. I know men feel they are never too old, which always makes me laugh. They see themselves as these sexy beasts when in reality I can't find one close to my age who takes care of themselves but they all want a hot chick! I am just as bad and just as shallow but I do have an argument, I take care of myself and look very good for my age. In fact for the time being I am one of those hot chicks and I just want what I offer. It isn't that much to ask for. Thankfully right now I can't complain; I have an extremely good looking boyfriend with a rock hard body and in bed we make music. Of course, I do have one complaint, I wouldn't be me without one....he is 33. Yes I should be happy, a lot of women my age can't date a man who is 33. I mean really date him not just fuck him. We can all fuck 30 year olds. It takes a lot to actually date them, especially if you "catch feelings" its even harder. I like to trick myself into thinking we could be together forever and that this is it for me. He is almost all I want and no one is perfect. It's a beautiful thought but we all know it isn't the truth. I will give him up and one of us will get hurt and my quest will begin again. For the time I have remaining with my love I will enjoy it and absorb as much of him as I possibly can. I can carry him with me for years to come. I do this with all the men I care about that have been cast aside. I take all the good in them and hold them so close to me so the next man has to live up to, not one man, but many. Inevitably, I am making the perfect man. All I can hope for is the man I am making is close to his 45 Birthday or older, well taken care of and is looking for a 40+ sexy woman who he can "catch feelings" for. Sweep her off her feet and make her his. There I will be waiting, I just hope he doesn't want a hot, YOUNG chick but that blog is for another day.

'Tis The Season

I have never been a big fan of the Christmas season. When you grow up without you learn to appreciate the little things. We did not have much money so Christmas wasn't really an exciting time of the year. In fact for a young girl it was very stressful. "What did you get? Where did you go? were the questions following the winter break. I usually did not go back to school for a few days and my answer was always the same, "I just wanted clothes" My daughter is spoiled and it is all my fault. I never wanted her to grow up with the same complexes I had to endure. Now I am a better person for it but as a child I never thought not having money would better me as a person. It has and I never take anything for granted. In the summer, I try to catch as many sunsets as I possibly can. I stand outside in rainstorms and sit by the shoreline just to watch the waves roll in. Living in the city can be tiresome and noisy so I tend to spend my days reflecting in the parks. These are my moments, these are the things that soothe me. I can hold a sunset in my mind forever. The newest iphone will be replaced with a newer version in mere months but you can always count on that sun rising and setting everyday. As I said before my daughter is spoiled. There aren't many teenagers that walk into their mothers bedroom, plop down and say "I haven't been to a broadway show in ages, maybe we can take one in." Now in her mind she doesn't realize each ticket will cost close to $200.00. In her mind, Mom will get the best seats and take her to see whatever show her little heart desires. She would be right too. Will she get that new iphone....No! I have priorites and so will she. My child is given the gift of NYC and all it has to offer. At fourteen she has spent more time in the city, in Central park and in the museums than most adults have. A  show is culture, sleeping in the Museum of Natural History is an experience most people will never get to enjoy, but she has. it is one of the reasons I still live here. It upsets me when I hear people are bored. I am a jaded New Yorker, all its novelty has gone away. I don't like the tourists, the stigma surrounding New Yorkers annoys me and I have seen and done all there is to do. Am I proud of living here? Of course I am proud of growing up here but I am still saddened that I continue to live here. I am reminded of the stories of small town people who want to get out of their one horse town. Shake the dust off their clothes, pack up their bags and their hopes and dreams and head over to the big city. I see them daily trying to change my city into something more acceptable for them. They will never really fit in as much as they try to. You can spot them oohing and ahhhing at sites. I don't know about you but if you have seen one skyscraper you have seen them all. Times Square can be quite a sight when you first see it, but not as much if you saw it 20 years ago. Now thats a sight! I kind of miss the grimy, tawdry and scandalous Times Square. I do miss my days in Central Park though; You can go a thousand times to Central Park and still discover something new. It is truly our city's greatest attraction. I stay in Brooklyn mostly and hope to one day leave the city and move to the West Coast which is the small town dream of this city girl. No more winter, no more trains and no more snow! This Christmas as I do every Christmas, I will be giving my daughter the gift of being a New Yorker and we will go see a show, have dinner and make fun of the tourists. We no longer travel by mass transit so afterwards we will get our car from the lot, battle traffic and head back to our small town we lovingly call Bay Ridge. We will talk of shaking the grime and grit of the city. There will be hopes and dreams of a small house with an actual yard, with real grass, close to a beach. Someday we will say, someday we will escape this concrete jungle and the City will only be in our memories. Merry Christmas!

Patience is a virtue?

Life is becoming too difficult for me to handle and I can handle anything except love. I think I am in love with the idea of being in love. In this world of choices I have chosen to live without it for many years. I thought I was miserable when in fact I was happier than most people. My new love is so perfect in so many ways I truly thought I was blessed. To have all your desires and wants granted, I thought it was a miracle. Three months later I need to retract that. If a person isn't willing to entrust their heart to you then why wait around? I learned this lesson. When it comes to love, I like to live in the now, trying to foresee anything further just complicates things....all you are left with is doubt. I do not like to be doubted or mistrusted. In fact it is an insult. I heard once that a woman should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him. Even a male friend of mine agreed. He said if he felt that way then he would be happy in his marriage which he never has been. I have had many men love me and sadly, their love was not returned. So if I can't find someone to love and love me back the same way should I give up on the prospect of love? This question is tormenting me. I don't mind being alone but the idea of dating and meeting man after man is excruciating. I don't want to do it again. I have always said I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was hoping I was being dramatic, turns out I am not. All my self analysis has done nothing but depress me. I was happy being the perpetual single friend. I was happier with being a mom and the loyal friend. I was happier dating the enamored younger men that were infatuated with me. Now I am the sad involved friend who feels lonelier than she did when she was single. I am grieving for my former life but I don't want to let my man go yet. Wouldn't that be giving up? Wouldn't I prove him right by leaving him so he can say "See I trusted her and she left me broken." With all my quips and my trusted annotations I can't help myself. I want to scream and throw a fit but I am way too reserved for that. I want to cry and hold myself in a dark room with covers over my head. I am way too egotistical for that. I have been nothing but honest with my man and so has he but he is jaded and he is damaged. I reap the punishment of his broken spirit made by another. I will not sit in judgment of things I have not done or sit in the shadow of someone else's wrong doing. I am distant now, which means this will be over soon. I can end this torment at anytime but I still hope for my miracle. I waited for this, I wanted this. He is who I summoned, who I created in my mind and he appeared. There is something to be said for patience; supposedly it is a virtue. I have no patience to hold onto but I will try and if I destroy my heart in the process at least I can say I had love and it was so beautiful it broke me.