Thursday, May 11, 2017

Cancer? But I Just Got New Boobs

                My beautiful boobie scarred and on its way to being permanently tanned.  I kind of want them to zap the other one for symmetry. I wouldn't say I'm vain but I won't deny it either. After my divorce, my ex husband said "As soon as you begin to age you'll be irrelevant. Once you lose those looks you're done." I shrugged it off as his insecurities. Trying to beat me down to make himself feel better. As the years go by, those words still continue to cause damage.  A few years ago, feeling the best I've had in years, just finishing writing my first book; I was strong, confident and on my way to being published. Now I have left something behind,  I am not done nor am I irrelevant. So in true Dee fashion I rewarded myself.  
              I always had a love/hate relationship with my boobs.  I loved them in the summer.  No bra, teeny tiny tanks and bikinis. Low cut blouses showing absolutely nothing. But then again, I equally hated trying not to look like an ironing board when wearing actual winter clothes. Naturally as a woman I always wondered what it was like to have more than a thirteen year old girls pre-teen boobs.  After the birth of my daughter I got that answer, the weight  I gained gave me boobs.  Round full gorgeous boobs,  but I was 20 + lbs heavier too. I weighed the pros and cons. The old me won out. I would rather be the skinnier little me than the buxom creature pregnancy transformed me into. I lost most of the weight and all of the boobs. I wasn't sad to see them go, I truly felt comfortable in my tiny little girl body. I regretted nothing, at least for a little while. 
          I never  thought gravity would affect my small child like breasts but hello deflated party balloons! Everything I loved about my perky little girls were slowly fading away.  Being the president of the itty-bitty titty committee all of my 40 years I figured let's try a little bigger during this new phase of my life.  New look,  new life but having bigger boobs does not equate happiness. They come with their own set of problems. My tiny tops had to go and long gone were the days of the itsy-bitsy teeny weenie bikinis. Unless of course I wanted to look like a porn star but if I learned to love my perky little cups I could learn to love the perky jugs. And love I did for a few short years before one mammogram changed that forever. 
           It is not difficult to imagine the enormity of hearing the words, You have breast cancer. I was alone and honestly it wasn't what I expected to hear; there isn't much history in my family but there was history. Normally I'm a pretty composed individual and I was so composed, I am sure they thought I hadn't any emotions. The irrational me came to visit immediately after I left the facility. I never realized actual fear until that moment. It's the hopelessness of no control over the possibility cancer will ravage your body, eventually killing you.  My initial reaction of course was get it out,  get it out! But after a lot of misery and contemplation came the shallow vanity thoughts. Things I couldn't say out loud. Things I'll definitely be judged by. 
           When I hear the words "Just be happy you're alive and it is treatable." I hear, "Who cares if your scarred,  who cares if your hair falls out,  your teeth fall out. Who cares if your skin shrivels up or you will go into early menopause. But, You're alive and really that's all that matters isn't it?"  Now in my case, I not only run the risk of having my voluptuous gorgeous breast be tanned from the inside out but my implant may harden and pucker. Oh Yay me! I probably can have a few more surgeries to pretty it all up but chances are I will have them removed. And there go the boobs.....I always say there is a bright side to everything. Yes even breast cancer can have a bright side. I gained some weight since the Boob job and my faux C's became D's. So my pre-boob job barely B's possibly will become barely C's. Life is still good. 
               Many who know of my situation - that's how I've been referring to it "my situation" say to me,  "It is amazing how you're dealing with all this." I smile accepting the compliment,  waving off the entire situation as if it's nothing short of a bother.  No one really wants to hear the panic or the worry. All anyone wants to hear are the words, "I'm good." Then they smile with their most sincere expression. I can see  in their pity filled eyes, thinking. "Ah good, the elephant is out of the room.  She's doing well,  she's good,  we don't need to act weird in front of her. She's doing well. She's good. Let's move on." No one sees the midday anxiety attacks and the shower sobbing and that's okay. It is precisely how I want to be perceived. I am strong,  I am feeling fine. The image in which I prefer to see myself is what I give out to the world... whether it's real or not. Am I fine? I don't really know, maybe that's just radiation brain. I just take it day by day but I do know what I see everyday. There are  a lot of other women and men going through  a lot worse than me and they're "good and doing well" too. When I am exhausted at the end of the day and my breast is swollen and sore, I think of all the people I meet in the radiation office every morning and I am humbled.  I am reminded by their stories, their strength and their smiles; We go on. We are strong and we survive! 


1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written. Being diagnosed with cancer is not easy at any stage. It brings a full range of emotions with decisions that have to be made that could impact you the rest of your life. Unless you have gone through the "situation" you can't imagine the struggles one goes through with having cancer. I can tell you it's been a difficult journey for me. I am still getting use to my new boobs and the scars that I have. We are blessed because our cancer was caught at an early stage and is curable. I will be forever changed by this experience but I will not allow cancer to define me.

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