Patience is a virtue?

Life is becoming too difficult for me to handle and I can handle anything except love. I think I am in love with the idea of being in love. In this world of choices I have chosen to live without it for many years. I thought I was miserable when in fact I was happier than most people. My new love is so perfect in so many ways I truly thought I was blessed. To have all your desires and wants granted, I thought it was a miracle. Three months later I need to retract that. If a person isn't willing to entrust their heart to you then why wait around? I learned this lesson. When it comes to love, I like to live in the now, trying to foresee anything further just complicates things....all you are left with is doubt. I do not like to be doubted or mistrusted. In fact it is an insult. I heard once that a woman should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him. Even a male friend of mine agreed. He said if he felt that way then he would be happy in his marriage which he never has been. I have had many men love me and sadly, their love was not returned. So if I can't find someone to love and love me back the same way should I give up on the prospect of love? This question is tormenting me. I don't mind being alone but the idea of dating and meeting man after man is excruciating. I don't want to do it again. I have always said I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was hoping I was being dramatic, turns out I am not. All my self analysis has done nothing but depress me. I was happy being the perpetual single friend. I was happier with being a mom and the loyal friend. I was happier dating the enamored younger men that were infatuated with me. Now I am the sad involved friend who feels lonelier than she did when she was single. I am grieving for my former life but I don't want to let my man go yet. Wouldn't that be giving up? Wouldn't I prove him right by leaving him so he can say "See I trusted her and she left me broken." With all my quips and my trusted annotations I can't help myself. I want to scream and throw a fit but I am way too reserved for that. I want to cry and hold myself in a dark room with covers over my head. I am way too egotistical for that. I have been nothing but honest with my man and so has he but he is jaded and he is damaged. I reap the punishment of his broken spirit made by another. I will not sit in judgment of things I have not done or sit in the shadow of someone else's wrong doing. I am distant now, which means this will be over soon. I can end this torment at anytime but I still hope for my miracle. I waited for this, I wanted this. He is who I summoned, who I created in my mind and he appeared. There is something to be said for patience; supposedly it is a virtue. I have no patience to hold onto but I will try and if I destroy my heart in the process at least I can say I had love and it was so beautiful it broke me.

Wants and Needs

There is always a moment in any relationship whether it be a friendly or romantic one, when you think "Is this what I wanted?" Getting almost everything you want from a person means sacrificing in other areas, correct?  Keep that in mind. Small sacrifices are what life is all about but what are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to sacrfice something that is essential to your emotional well being? What if you can have all you want without any emotional involvement? Would you do it?  You can have a home, a family and a faithful companion? Would you sacrifice deep emotional love? So there the question comes to pass; Is this what I wanted? When I started  psycho-analyzing my life I didn't think I would find a person so emotional. I actually liked Dee, the loyal friend, the caregiver, the mom and finally Dee the perpetually single woman. I liked all these people. The new attached Dee...not so much. I really wasn't ready to go digging around in my psyche wondering what I wanted out of life and who I wanted to spend it with. After being single for a decade or so and "dating" I never once thought whether I wanted to spend my life with them or not. It wasn't even a question. Sure there were one or two where we would have been a match made in heaven but there was always something that made me close up and say "Oh no not this one." Ridiculous reasons too, nevertheless they are gone but I still hold them deep in my heart if only as my 'What if's?" 
Is this what I want? I thought about this question alot recently and this weekend I concluded that the question is wrong. The question is "Is this worth waiting for?" Maybe I never waited around long enough to find out. Maybe I wrote someone off too early and shut myself down so no one could get in. There they are again the "What if's." I like to think I have made all the right decisions in my life. Even if they didn't turn out the way I wanted, hopefully I learned from them. I firmly believe in embracing your failures and your torments. It makes you who you are. Any relationship that starts off like its too good to be true, in reality it usually is. The problem with getting everything you want is, you forget about about the things you need. My needs are becoming much more important than my wants. The truth is getting what you want isn't necessarily the best thing for you. Oh its definitely not a bad thing, its pleasurable and satisfying; for a little while even euphoric. Needs, especially emotional needs have a way of showing up, unannounced demanding attention. When they roll up they are relentless. I try to focus on having all I want. I do, I don't have to wait, it is all  right in front of me. All my wants, all my desires just waiting for me. I still want them. I want to take them, secure them and be happy just to have them. My needs are so unforgiving; they keep calling, they need some reassurance, they need some love. I still wonder if I can have both, hoping for it. Wants and needs, needs and wants. One big circle and back to the same question, Is this worth waiting for? If my emotions allow it, I'm going to stick around for a little while longer. I want to see if I come back around to start it all over again. Maybe this time if I wait I will I get what I was waiting for all along. I can keep moving forward instead of going in circles.