A healthy mind? Dee VS DeeDee

I have always considered myself to be a very strong minded, secure individual. I mean we all have issues, don't we? As I continue on this road to self discovery I am finding things out about myself that were better off undiscovered. So are these things terrible? No not at all but they are things I am attempting to either change or conceal all together. In fact I think concealing it is the way to go.
I am two people. No I am not bipolar or have a split personaility but I am two seperate individuals. In everyday life I am this cold, distant person. I don't allow anyone to get the better of me. I fit into almost any situation by molding myself to it and the people around me. That is Dee Remy. Now DeeDee Remy or Darlene is a scared vulnerable woman, who is alone and from what I can see probably will be for a long time if not forever. Its a good thing I have Dee to fall back on. She takes it all. All the drama, all the sacrifice. She can hold down two jobs, take care of her family. She can take on any task no matter how heart wrenching or discouraging and do it without any emotions. If there were emotions she wouldn't get anything done.
She can take a man, make him think he is a God and then walk away without so much as a backward glance, leaving him wondering what he did wrong, when all he really did was like her. She will break his spirit and emasculate him to the point where he may need pschotherapy for awhile. Now she isn't ruthlesss, she does feel the man is an Adonis and will treat him as such. But she may begin to develop feelings or in some cases get bored; in either case she runs. She is happy, almost all the time which is a plus but in retrospect Dee is not a very nice person.
DeeDee or Darlene, she however is a lovely woman. Very giving, very caring and selfless but she is quite vulnerable. Only family and close friends get to know DeeDee and can get close to her. She rarely is around and if she is in any romantic relationship DeeDee goes into hiding. It is for her own protection! Since I have discovered this duel personality I guard DeeDee as if she were a precious jewel. People still try to break down that barrier I have in place and still some do get halfway in! No matter how hard I try to protect this woman she keeps trying to get out. Now I know she will only get hurt so I keep trying to supress her. I often wonder if keeping her safe and in lock down is actually keeping her happy. Maybe DeeDee needs to experience a little pain in her life to give her perspective. I don't know, but the more people that know about DeeDee the more likely the chance she could be in some real danger. For now she stays in seclusion, maybe one day someone will come along who Dee trusts and allows DeeDee to emerge; until then its lockdown for DeeDee. If you get to see her say hello, sometimes she gets really lonely.

Reflections: I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....

Reflections: I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....: Recently I was asked to do an interview to promote myself as a first time Author. I was happy. I still don't see myself as any one special u...

I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....

Recently I was asked to do an interview to promote myself as a first time Author. I was happy. I still don't see myself as any one special until today. I was told by a friend of mine that his friend has a bookstore and I should call her to set up a book signing. I would love to do a book signing so of course when I spoke to him again I asked him for the information. He quickly said "Well I spoke with her and she doesn't promote self published authors" I was floored. I am not a self published author. In fact it took me many years to get published. If any one reading this knows; the publishing industry is a selfish bastard and if you aren't a best selling author already, a low budget, unimaginative erotica novelist, or a trashy reality star your chances of getting published are almost zip. It was a difficult time in my life attempting to achieve my dream of being a published author and with the way of digital reading and bookstores closing, I thought it would never happen. When it actually happened it was surreal. My publisher kept telling me "You need to step up and act like an author. Act like you are a star because you are one in 11 million! Everyone you know should know you are a published author." It all sounds wonderful, but in reality I was and still am just Dee. So now I have to redeem myself to this woman who just owns a crappy book store. She's not an Author and yet now I have to defend myself because she was told I was self published. She will decide whether I am promotable to sit in her little store and sell books for her. To be completely honest I would rather give my books away  than promote her crappy little store. I know it isn't her fault she thought I was self published because that is what she was told but shouldn't people do a little research or at least ask a question as to whether or not I am legitimately published. F.Scott was a self published author. So I would like to think I am in the same league as he was. It makes me wonder how many people there are that think I am self published. My publisher told me most people never meet a published author. Authors are mysterious and usually reclusive.Also, most people assume authors are rich, which I did find extremely comical I am far from rich even with being published. I went to family gathering, I noticed a difference in my extended family; immediately I felt very self conscience. They were talking to me as if they never met me and one cousin even mentioned the hotel I was staying in and made a comment about how expensive it was. I was mortified. I was sharing a room with my mother and sister. Mommy always pays. I didn't say anything but I felt so out of place in my own family's home.  I would never even think these things were true to fact but my publisher was right. So from now on I am going to listen to him because obviously he knows best and from this moment on I am Dee Remy successful published author to anyone that cares.

Damn I have issues....

Well recently I have been refelecting on my love life. I say this with such distaste. I never have been one to put my love life under a microscope because I never really cared about it. I'm attractive I'm still fairly young and I have plenty of time. Since my life in general is fine in retrospect, I'm a published author and I have wonderful friends. My family is safe and secure and even my child is reaching an age now where I am not as needed as I used to be. I finally have taken the time to work on myself. This has been a struggle because I am so used to taking care of others, I find that being there for Dee is a chore to say the least. This Dee person is not an easy one. Wow, no wonder I focused on others all these years. She is insecure! Yes, I was shocked to find that out as well. As much as I love myself, because I definitely love myself, I will honestly say I am insecure. I can not stand insecure people, in fact I find it very unappealing. I love being alone, I love my own company, I even like the way I look, well I am sure I could look better but I am very happy with what I look like. That isn't the insecurity I am talking about. I am terrified of losing control or getting lost in some relationship or worst of all, I will be left alone with a broken heart. I normally would never allow a broken heart.  I never let anyone close enough to break my heart or even hurt me.  I know most women and men feel the same way. To realize this about yourself when you are such an ego maniac is kind of scary. I am also getting old....Quickly! Damn I am over 40 and the men in my age group are, well not to be mean but are not as taken care of as I am or they just simply don't give a shit. Either way I tend to date younger men. Who are wonderful and treat me as I should be treated but in reality when it comes right down to it either they will want kids..and I do not or eventually when I start to look my age they will fade away. More than likely I will get bored as I always do with younger men and I will wander. I will sit and write and hopefully publish more books and live out my life vicariously through my character extensions. Maybe I am just a happier person doing what I do best; taking care of others and throwing my heart into fictional stories whether they are being read by me or written. I guess reflecting doesn't really do any good if you aren't willing to do something about it. I just wrote about it so maybe that's a start.