I have always considered myself to be a very strong minded, secure individual. I mean we all have issues, don't we? As I continue on this road to self discovery I am finding things out about myself that were better off undiscovered. So are these things terrible? No not at all but they are things I am attempting to either change or conceal all together. In fact I think concealing it is the way to go.
I am two people. No I am not bipolar or have a split personaility but I am two seperate individuals. In everyday life I am this cold, distant person. I don't allow anyone to get the better of me. I fit into almost any situation by molding myself to it and the people around me. That is Dee Remy. Now DeeDee Remy or Darlene is a scared vulnerable woman, who is alone and from what I can see probably will be for a long time if not forever. Its a good thing I have Dee to fall back on. She takes it all. All the drama, all the sacrifice. She can hold down two jobs, take care of her family. She can take on any task no matter how heart wrenching or discouraging and do it without any emotions. If there were emotions she wouldn't get anything done.
She can take a man, make him think he is a God and then walk away without so much as a backward glance, leaving him wondering what he did wrong, when all he really did was like her. She will break his spirit and emasculate him to the point where he may need pschotherapy for awhile. Now she isn't ruthlesss, she does feel the man is an Adonis and will treat him as such. But she may begin to develop feelings or in some cases get bored; in either case she runs. She is happy, almost all the time which is a plus but in retrospect Dee is not a very nice person.
DeeDee or Darlene, she however is a lovely woman. Very giving, very caring and selfless but she is quite vulnerable. Only family and close friends get to know DeeDee and can get close to her. She rarely is around and if she is in any romantic relationship DeeDee goes into hiding. It is for her own protection! Since I have discovered this duel personality I guard DeeDee as if she were a precious jewel. People still try to break down that barrier I have in place and still some do get halfway in! No matter how hard I try to protect this woman she keeps trying to get out. Now I know she will only get hurt so I keep trying to supress her. I often wonder if keeping her safe and in lock down is actually keeping her happy. Maybe DeeDee needs to experience a little pain in her life to give her perspective. I don't know, but the more people that know about DeeDee the more likely the chance she could be in some real danger. For now she stays in seclusion, maybe one day someone will come along who Dee trusts and allows DeeDee to emerge; until then its lockdown for DeeDee. If you get to see her say hello, sometimes she gets really lonely.
You're very honest, Dee. But I think what you're feeling is, in part, a piece of you is leaving the "young years" behind and you're now entering,and are trying to accept, at the same time, the "dreaded middle years." They're a bitch and they're very frightening ... becaue we're learning new truths every day. We all go through it, and the process can rock you. You're at the stage where reality doesn't hit you in the face, it fucking kicks you; and when you're at your lowest, it seems to kick you even harder. I'm here for you if you ever need me, like you're here for me. Chin up, kid, and welecome to your new adventure in life! Luv ya, Pat
ReplyDeleteI have had the pleasure of knowing both of them. Two beings intertwined and complex. Both have had a profound effect on me. For once you are touched by this soul your life is forever changed. I can honestly say that I love them both two sides of a coin yet it is one coin, I inderstand this and I will always feel the love and friendship that we shared. Nothing gold can stay but sometimes you get a chance to keep just enough to sustain you for life. I miss my friend.
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