'Tis The Season

I have never been a big fan of the Christmas season. When you grow up without you learn to appreciate the little things. We did not have much money so Christmas wasn't really an exciting time of the year. In fact for a young girl it was very stressful. "What did you get? Where did you go? were the questions following the winter break. I usually did not go back to school for a few days and my answer was always the same, "I just wanted clothes" My daughter is spoiled and it is all my fault. I never wanted her to grow up with the same complexes I had to endure. Now I am a better person for it but as a child I never thought not having money would better me as a person. It has and I never take anything for granted. In the summer, I try to catch as many sunsets as I possibly can. I stand outside in rainstorms and sit by the shoreline just to watch the waves roll in. Living in the city can be tiresome and noisy so I tend to spend my days reflecting in the parks. These are my moments, these are the things that soothe me. I can hold a sunset in my mind forever. The newest iphone will be replaced with a newer version in mere months but you can always count on that sun rising and setting everyday. As I said before my daughter is spoiled. There aren't many teenagers that walk into their mothers bedroom, plop down and say "I haven't been to a broadway show in ages, maybe we can take one in." Now in her mind she doesn't realize each ticket will cost close to $200.00. In her mind, Mom will get the best seats and take her to see whatever show her little heart desires. She would be right too. Will she get that new iphone....No! I have priorites and so will she. My child is given the gift of NYC and all it has to offer. At fourteen she has spent more time in the city, in Central park and in the museums than most adults have. A  show is culture, sleeping in the Museum of Natural History is an experience most people will never get to enjoy, but she has. it is one of the reasons I still live here. It upsets me when I hear people are bored. I am a jaded New Yorker, all its novelty has gone away. I don't like the tourists, the stigma surrounding New Yorkers annoys me and I have seen and done all there is to do. Am I proud of living here? Of course I am proud of growing up here but I am still saddened that I continue to live here. I am reminded of the stories of small town people who want to get out of their one horse town. Shake the dust off their clothes, pack up their bags and their hopes and dreams and head over to the big city. I see them daily trying to change my city into something more acceptable for them. They will never really fit in as much as they try to. You can spot them oohing and ahhhing at sites. I don't know about you but if you have seen one skyscraper you have seen them all. Times Square can be quite a sight when you first see it, but not as much if you saw it 20 years ago. Now thats a sight! I kind of miss the grimy, tawdry and scandalous Times Square. I do miss my days in Central Park though; You can go a thousand times to Central Park and still discover something new. It is truly our city's greatest attraction. I stay in Brooklyn mostly and hope to one day leave the city and move to the West Coast which is the small town dream of this city girl. No more winter, no more trains and no more snow! This Christmas as I do every Christmas, I will be giving my daughter the gift of being a New Yorker and we will go see a show, have dinner and make fun of the tourists. We no longer travel by mass transit so afterwards we will get our car from the lot, battle traffic and head back to our small town we lovingly call Bay Ridge. We will talk of shaking the grime and grit of the city. There will be hopes and dreams of a small house with an actual yard, with real grass, close to a beach. Someday we will say, someday we will escape this concrete jungle and the City will only be in our memories. Merry Christmas!

Patience is a virtue?

Life is becoming too difficult for me to handle and I can handle anything except love. I think I am in love with the idea of being in love. In this world of choices I have chosen to live without it for many years. I thought I was miserable when in fact I was happier than most people. My new love is so perfect in so many ways I truly thought I was blessed. To have all your desires and wants granted, I thought it was a miracle. Three months later I need to retract that. If a person isn't willing to entrust their heart to you then why wait around? I learned this lesson. When it comes to love, I like to live in the now, trying to foresee anything further just complicates things....all you are left with is doubt. I do not like to be doubted or mistrusted. In fact it is an insult. I heard once that a woman should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him. Even a male friend of mine agreed. He said if he felt that way then he would be happy in his marriage which he never has been. I have had many men love me and sadly, their love was not returned. So if I can't find someone to love and love me back the same way should I give up on the prospect of love? This question is tormenting me. I don't mind being alone but the idea of dating and meeting man after man is excruciating. I don't want to do it again. I have always said I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was hoping I was being dramatic, turns out I am not. All my self analysis has done nothing but depress me. I was happy being the perpetual single friend. I was happier with being a mom and the loyal friend. I was happier dating the enamored younger men that were infatuated with me. Now I am the sad involved friend who feels lonelier than she did when she was single. I am grieving for my former life but I don't want to let my man go yet. Wouldn't that be giving up? Wouldn't I prove him right by leaving him so he can say "See I trusted her and she left me broken." With all my quips and my trusted annotations I can't help myself. I want to scream and throw a fit but I am way too reserved for that. I want to cry and hold myself in a dark room with covers over my head. I am way too egotistical for that. I have been nothing but honest with my man and so has he but he is jaded and he is damaged. I reap the punishment of his broken spirit made by another. I will not sit in judgment of things I have not done or sit in the shadow of someone else's wrong doing. I am distant now, which means this will be over soon. I can end this torment at anytime but I still hope for my miracle. I waited for this, I wanted this. He is who I summoned, who I created in my mind and he appeared. There is something to be said for patience; supposedly it is a virtue. I have no patience to hold onto but I will try and if I destroy my heart in the process at least I can say I had love and it was so beautiful it broke me.

Wants and Needs

There is always a moment in any relationship whether it be a friendly or romantic one, when you think "Is this what I wanted?" Getting almost everything you want from a person means sacrificing in other areas, correct?  Keep that in mind. Small sacrifices are what life is all about but what are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to sacrfice something that is essential to your emotional well being? What if you can have all you want without any emotional involvement? Would you do it?  You can have a home, a family and a faithful companion? Would you sacrifice deep emotional love? So there the question comes to pass; Is this what I wanted? When I started  psycho-analyzing my life I didn't think I would find a person so emotional. I actually liked Dee, the loyal friend, the caregiver, the mom and finally Dee the perpetually single woman. I liked all these people. The new attached Dee...not so much. I really wasn't ready to go digging around in my psyche wondering what I wanted out of life and who I wanted to spend it with. After being single for a decade or so and "dating" I never once thought whether I wanted to spend my life with them or not. It wasn't even a question. Sure there were one or two where we would have been a match made in heaven but there was always something that made me close up and say "Oh no not this one." Ridiculous reasons too, nevertheless they are gone but I still hold them deep in my heart if only as my 'What if's?" 
Is this what I want? I thought about this question alot recently and this weekend I concluded that the question is wrong. The question is "Is this worth waiting for?" Maybe I never waited around long enough to find out. Maybe I wrote someone off too early and shut myself down so no one could get in. There they are again the "What if's." I like to think I have made all the right decisions in my life. Even if they didn't turn out the way I wanted, hopefully I learned from them. I firmly believe in embracing your failures and your torments. It makes you who you are. Any relationship that starts off like its too good to be true, in reality it usually is. The problem with getting everything you want is, you forget about about the things you need. My needs are becoming much more important than my wants. The truth is getting what you want isn't necessarily the best thing for you. Oh its definitely not a bad thing, its pleasurable and satisfying; for a little while even euphoric. Needs, especially emotional needs have a way of showing up, unannounced demanding attention. When they roll up they are relentless. I try to focus on having all I want. I do, I don't have to wait, it is all  right in front of me. All my wants, all my desires just waiting for me. I still want them. I want to take them, secure them and be happy just to have them. My needs are so unforgiving; they keep calling, they need some reassurance, they need some love. I still wonder if I can have both, hoping for it. Wants and needs, needs and wants. One big circle and back to the same question, Is this worth waiting for? If my emotions allow it, I'm going to stick around for a little while longer. I want to see if I come back around to start it all over again. Maybe this time if I wait I will I get what I was waiting for all along. I can keep moving forward instead of going in circles.

I can take care of myself and anyone else who comes along.

All my life I have been trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that I am Wonder Woman, or pretty damn close. One of my favorite lines that suits my lifestyle just fine is from Grease. It comes from, at least in my eyes, the best and relatable character in the movie, Rizzo. After being ridiculed for possibly being pregnant and having to endure pity from the nauseating angelic character of Sandy, she says. "I can take care of myself and anyone else who comes along." Not my favorite movie but the line rings true to my ears. I have been working since I am 14 years old in various jobs. From babysitting to clothing stores. Anything to make some money. We didn't have much growing up, so if I wanted to go to the movies or get something to eat with my friends, I needed to work. My parents almost never gave me money not because they wouldn't; they didn't have it for such trivial things. I moved out of my parents house when I was barely 20, then took care of a husband and still continued to work. When we had our daughter, I did take a break to stay home with my child but that was short lived. When I divorced, instead of going home to mommy and daddy, I worked two jobs and kept my home and raised my daughter. Thankfully after awhile, I was able to let one of the jobs go. My parents, as most do, got very sick and could no longer take care of themselves so almost four years ago I demanded they come live with me. Now I am one of three girls both are older than me but oh no, I had to take them in. Good going Dee, miserable is not the word to describe my life....But again I can take care of myself and anyone else who comes along. I wish my sisters helped a little more but one is sick as well and wait for it......................
has decided to come live with her baby sister because she no longer can take care of her children and her boyfriend threw her out. YAY ME! It just keeps getting better. I may not be the favorite child in my family but I definitely am the best to take advantage of. That includes boyfriends as well. Funny is seems every needy, insecure poor man in the New York City area finds good hearted Dee. I know these things about myself and unfortunately so does everyone else in my life. So I wonder, who is going to take care of Dee when she can no longer do it. Sure I can say I have a daughter who will take care of me but who am I kidding? Children don't do those things anymore, I would say I may be the last of my kind. (I say that in my head like Gary Oldman in Dracula) Trust me I am not a martyr in any way, I'm no prize and I say that proudly, I am a handful but it would be nice to know that in the future I have someone to take care of Dee. My new man has expressed that he would love to take care of me...That makes Dee very uncomfortable. I can take care of myself and anyone else who comes along has been engraved in my mind for at least 22 years now. I will continue to save my money and hope for a best selling novel then I will hire people to take care of me. So I guess in my own little way I still be taking care of them financially. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. I would love to allow someone to take care of me but like I said before even though I wish for it the whole thought of it makes me uncomfortable.  I wonder what will happen to Dee in the future. If it is anything close to what happened to Rizzo I may be okay. From what I hear she went on to be quite a successful actress. I guess she still takes care of herself and anyone else who comes along, I guess Dee will too.

The End Of My Forty Second Year

So begins my forty third year on this earth. Very dramatic way of saying I turn 42 at the end of this month. Most people like to forget they are actually a year older then they claim. I embrace it and as much as I hate aging, I love growing older. In life experience alone I can honestly say I have lived. Can you? In the forty two years I have lived, I have been a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, and a mother. I am still four of those things. I never quite made it as a wife. Maybe I was too young, in fact I know I was too young but I do know I make a great ex wife; ask my ex husband, we are still friends. Well, maybe I did something right.
Maturing as a person is wonderful for obtaining the knowledge of the perfect relationship but actually finding one is torturous. When it comes to relationships I've had many part time relationships and very few full time ones. All by choice, I harbor no regrets in my life. Of course, I have hopes that my perfect man; the one I will grow old with, is very close by. He's out there; he just doesn't know it yet.
Being a good daughter as an adult is alot easier than being a good daughter as a child.  Growing up I definitely wasn't the best kid and for that reason my daughter gets a lot of slack. I forgive easily and ask little of her. All she needs to do is grow up and be honest with me. I never forgot what it was like to be a kid or a teenager. I guess life always comes full circle.
I know all women say being a mother is a blessing and it's the greatest gift. It is but it is also mentally exhausting and beyond frustrating. Especially when your see your child making the same mistakes you did or even worse. As a parent you need to know when to parent, I always come in as a friend first, depending on the level of seriousness; mother and prosecuter come later. It has been working for me so far and I think I am doing a good job. How many mothers can say their teenage daughters like them? I am one of the lucky ones.
I've been a friend and a loyal one to many; sadly I can't say that I've had the same in return. If I call you a friend I hold you in high regard, if I am not treated the same way I do not consider you a true friend. We may still be friendly but we would never be friends. I have come across many people who never seem to grasp the concept of what a friend really is. Friends are not people who need to be in your life. They aren't family and they aren't paid to be there. Well ideally they aren't paid. Friends aren't easily made it takes respect and understanding,  Patience and forgiveness but most all for true friendship loyalty and trust surpass all other qualities. A friend is the only person you can depend on to tell you the ugly truths and they love you anyway. I have few true friends but the ones I do have I can trust with my life, my child, my money and my reputation. I hope you can say the same.
So I begin my forty third year happily and I will do so among my family, my friends, my beautiful child and a new and hopefully my last love.

A healthy mind? Dee VS DeeDee

I have always considered myself to be a very strong minded, secure individual. I mean we all have issues, don't we? As I continue on this road to self discovery I am finding things out about myself that were better off undiscovered. So are these things terrible? No not at all but they are things I am attempting to either change or conceal all together. In fact I think concealing it is the way to go.
I am two people. No I am not bipolar or have a split personaility but I am two seperate individuals. In everyday life I am this cold, distant person. I don't allow anyone to get the better of me. I fit into almost any situation by molding myself to it and the people around me. That is Dee Remy. Now DeeDee Remy or Darlene is a scared vulnerable woman, who is alone and from what I can see probably will be for a long time if not forever. Its a good thing I have Dee to fall back on. She takes it all. All the drama, all the sacrifice. She can hold down two jobs, take care of her family. She can take on any task no matter how heart wrenching or discouraging and do it without any emotions. If there were emotions she wouldn't get anything done.
She can take a man, make him think he is a God and then walk away without so much as a backward glance, leaving him wondering what he did wrong, when all he really did was like her. She will break his spirit and emasculate him to the point where he may need pschotherapy for awhile. Now she isn't ruthlesss, she does feel the man is an Adonis and will treat him as such. But she may begin to develop feelings or in some cases get bored; in either case she runs. She is happy, almost all the time which is a plus but in retrospect Dee is not a very nice person.
DeeDee or Darlene, she however is a lovely woman. Very giving, very caring and selfless but she is quite vulnerable. Only family and close friends get to know DeeDee and can get close to her. She rarely is around and if she is in any romantic relationship DeeDee goes into hiding. It is for her own protection! Since I have discovered this duel personality I guard DeeDee as if she were a precious jewel. People still try to break down that barrier I have in place and still some do get halfway in! No matter how hard I try to protect this woman she keeps trying to get out. Now I know she will only get hurt so I keep trying to supress her. I often wonder if keeping her safe and in lock down is actually keeping her happy. Maybe DeeDee needs to experience a little pain in her life to give her perspective. I don't know, but the more people that know about DeeDee the more likely the chance she could be in some real danger. For now she stays in seclusion, maybe one day someone will come along who Dee trusts and allows DeeDee to emerge; until then its lockdown for DeeDee. If you get to see her say hello, sometimes she gets really lonely.

Reflections: I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....

Reflections: I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....: Recently I was asked to do an interview to promote myself as a first time Author. I was happy. I still don't see myself as any one special u...

I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....

Recently I was asked to do an interview to promote myself as a first time Author. I was happy. I still don't see myself as any one special until today. I was told by a friend of mine that his friend has a bookstore and I should call her to set up a book signing. I would love to do a book signing so of course when I spoke to him again I asked him for the information. He quickly said "Well I spoke with her and she doesn't promote self published authors" I was floored. I am not a self published author. In fact it took me many years to get published. If any one reading this knows; the publishing industry is a selfish bastard and if you aren't a best selling author already, a low budget, unimaginative erotica novelist, or a trashy reality star your chances of getting published are almost zip. It was a difficult time in my life attempting to achieve my dream of being a published author and with the way of digital reading and bookstores closing, I thought it would never happen. When it actually happened it was surreal. My publisher kept telling me "You need to step up and act like an author. Act like you are a star because you are one in 11 million! Everyone you know should know you are a published author." It all sounds wonderful, but in reality I was and still am just Dee. So now I have to redeem myself to this woman who just owns a crappy book store. She's not an Author and yet now I have to defend myself because she was told I was self published. She will decide whether I am promotable to sit in her little store and sell books for her. To be completely honest I would rather give my books away  than promote her crappy little store. I know it isn't her fault she thought I was self published because that is what she was told but shouldn't people do a little research or at least ask a question as to whether or not I am legitimately published. F.Scott was a self published author. So I would like to think I am in the same league as he was. It makes me wonder how many people there are that think I am self published. My publisher told me most people never meet a published author. Authors are mysterious and usually reclusive.Also, most people assume authors are rich, which I did find extremely comical I am far from rich even with being published. I went to family gathering, I noticed a difference in my extended family; immediately I felt very self conscience. They were talking to me as if they never met me and one cousin even mentioned the hotel I was staying in and made a comment about how expensive it was. I was mortified. I was sharing a room with my mother and sister. Mommy always pays. I didn't say anything but I felt so out of place in my own family's home.  I would never even think these things were true to fact but my publisher was right. So from now on I am going to listen to him because obviously he knows best and from this moment on I am Dee Remy successful published author to anyone that cares.

Damn I have issues....

Well recently I have been refelecting on my love life. I say this with such distaste. I never have been one to put my love life under a microscope because I never really cared about it. I'm attractive I'm still fairly young and I have plenty of time. Since my life in general is fine in retrospect, I'm a published author and I have wonderful friends. My family is safe and secure and even my child is reaching an age now where I am not as needed as I used to be. I finally have taken the time to work on myself. This has been a struggle because I am so used to taking care of others, I find that being there for Dee is a chore to say the least. This Dee person is not an easy one. Wow, no wonder I focused on others all these years. She is insecure! Yes, I was shocked to find that out as well. As much as I love myself, because I definitely love myself, I will honestly say I am insecure. I can not stand insecure people, in fact I find it very unappealing. I love being alone, I love my own company, I even like the way I look, well I am sure I could look better but I am very happy with what I look like. That isn't the insecurity I am talking about. I am terrified of losing control or getting lost in some relationship or worst of all, I will be left alone with a broken heart. I normally would never allow a broken heart.  I never let anyone close enough to break my heart or even hurt me.  I know most women and men feel the same way. To realize this about yourself when you are such an ego maniac is kind of scary. I am also getting old....Quickly! Damn I am over 40 and the men in my age group are, well not to be mean but are not as taken care of as I am or they just simply don't give a shit. Either way I tend to date younger men. Who are wonderful and treat me as I should be treated but in reality when it comes right down to it either they will want kids..and I do not or eventually when I start to look my age they will fade away. More than likely I will get bored as I always do with younger men and I will wander. I will sit and write and hopefully publish more books and live out my life vicariously through my character extensions. Maybe I am just a happier person doing what I do best; taking care of others and throwing my heart into fictional stories whether they are being read by me or written. I guess reflecting doesn't really do any good if you aren't willing to do something about it. I just wrote about it so maybe that's a start.

I guess I am more complicated than I thought

Recently three separate people have told me things about myself that were not a surprise but I didn't think they were actually a problem. I've reflected on these statements and realize they are all true and unless I make a conscience choice to change these little things I may never be a happy fulfilled person.
1- I become friends with the men I date and before I know it that's exactly what we are FRIENDS and nothing more.
In my defense, of course I have to have one or I wouldn't be me, I like men! Not only as partners but as friends. I guess it is hard to separate the two. I understand men better than I understand woman, I also get along with them better then woman.
BUT this is posing a problem because as much as I am friends with the men I date I should be treated as a woman and not a pal. Sadly this happens often. Don't get me wrong, I have made a few wonderful friends over it.
2- Sometimes because I am so independent in my life and strong I take on the burdens of others. I try to save everyone and become their rock.
Okay That's a great quality, right? Well sometimes. I seem to give way much more than I get in relationships and I tend to become resentful. As much as I love helping and being the strength I would really love to have a man turn around and say "No baby, I will take care of it, don't worry." Granted he may get an argument but if he is strong enough and shows me that all will be okay if he does take care of it then maybe I can trust him.
3- I am very cautious and do not allow anyone in. Sometimes...okay well more than sometimes I have been called cold and distant.
This one is very true and as much as I hate to admit it, it is me. I am not cold just protected. I don't like to be vulnerable. More importantly I don't want to hurt any man I am with which I seem to do over and over. So if you keep them at bay no one gets hurt right?.....Nope someone always gets hurt. They are hurt by me because I retreat and become distant even if I care deeply, I am just afraid for the both of us. Again I find this noble but who am I kidding it just keeps me out in the cold.
4- I am not that affectionate and was not brought up in an affectionate home so again I seem cold. I do not mean this ina sexual way. Sexually I am definitely affectionate and extremely giving because pleasing my partner is a huge turn on for me. But in everyday situations, holding hands, hugging, kissing in public.....not me. Again we seem like friends when we are not alone.
I am not this way with all men but I do need to open myself more so I can let the men in that want to treat me as a woman, not their friend, not their lover and not their buddy. I need to allow them to treat me as any other woman would like to be treated. I am way to accepting in being the friend girlfriend! For once in my  life I want to allow romance in and see where it takes me. I hope I haven't realized these things too late. We will see, I have began to break down my wall a little and so far I am enjoying being treated like a delicate flower. We will see how long it lasts but I hope it does and maybe just maybe I can change from being the girl everyone depends on to being the loved woman in a man's life.

Serendipity was always a joke or so I thought

Here is a lovely tale and because it is true makes it all the more beautiful:

A woman wakes up on a perfect Summer day not feeling quite the happiest. Woman does some household chores but temptation of the outdoors kept calling her. She leaves to lay in the summer sun for a few hours; trying to sweat out the uneasy feeling that lays in the pit of her stomach. Stressed out job, a bit of family chaos and unfortunately, nothing interesting going on in her love life.  A few good men but not anyone she has a deep connection with. She is resolved to not allowing any of this to spoil her day. After a few hours in the heat she packs up and heads for home. She had decided earlier to at least get her items and then lock herself inside for the remainder of the day, so without thinking drives to a nearby store and parks her car.
As she is in the store a man walks by her. She sees him but is barely aware of his presence until they bump into each other again. This time they do linger looking at each other but both are in a rush and the woman is on the phone...of course.
She hangs up her phone call and walks around the store one last time to make sure she had all she came for and not to her surprise, the handsome man was gone.
At the counter as she waits for the cashier, one cashier is ringing up a customer but the customer is not at the register....Ugh no she is getting impatient but still tries to keep her composure. The register right next to the first one opens and she pours all her stuff on the counter and is tapping her foot anxiously to get out, get in her car and go home or to that special place she retreats to when she just doesn't want to hibernate and at that precise moment she did not want to hibernate which she does quite often when feeling this down. She pays and quickly heads for the door. She realizes the handsome man was the customer not at the counter and he was holding the door for her. They enter the parking lot together and go their separate ways. As she drives out of the lot he is waiting for her to chat. They go to a park to sit and talk and an hour turns into 3 hours. They part happily. Her day was saved and after their coversation she realizes so was his. They spent the rest of the night talking on the phone and the next evening together. Things are looking up for the two of them who weren't looking for anything that day but it ended up being one of the best days of their lives because that was the day their eyes and their hearts met.

Just when I thought I was done......I'm not.: So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Wa...

Just when I thought I was done......I'm not.: So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Wa...: So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Was a Boy" and I actually got it published, I figured Whew......I am done. On to the next on...

So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Was a Boy" and I actually got it published, I figured Whew......I am done. On to the next one. Just like the men in my life....haha. Well I was so surprised to hear "Oh no, Dee you have to start marketing it." Really? Is this what my life has become. I wrote a book 8 years ago, rewrote it and then rewrote it again with the editors. Now I'm done right? NO! I am a successful author, the book should sell itself.....hahahahaha! I will say my book is doing well but according to my unhappy publishers I am not doing enough. I was just thinking about maybe dating. Wouldn't that be fun? Someone actually taking me out to dinner and who knows stranger things have happened, I may even like him. I guess the dating part is squashed. So now I'm published and can't leave my home because I have work to do and quite possibly I now run the risk of never having sex again! What we do to live out our dream. It's funny, my book took priority over everything when I was writing it. Now all I want to do is date. I remember all the good looking men I rejected, who I am sure are all cuddled up with some other chick and yet I still sleep alone. I occasionally have my cats sleeping with me......not the same thing. So the question is How do I do both? Is it possible?



http://www.amazon.com/There-Once-Was-Boy-Remy/dp/1936587548/ref=tmm_pap_title_0/180-1069256-5634661