Damn I have issues....

Well recently I have been refelecting on my love life. I say this with such distaste. I never have been one to put my love life under a microscope because I never really cared about it. I'm attractive I'm still fairly young and I have plenty of time. Since my life in general is fine in retrospect, I'm a published author and I have wonderful friends. My family is safe and secure and even my child is reaching an age now where I am not as needed as I used to be. I finally have taken the time to work on myself. This has been a struggle because I am so used to taking care of others, I find that being there for Dee is a chore to say the least. This Dee person is not an easy one. Wow, no wonder I focused on others all these years. She is insecure! Yes, I was shocked to find that out as well. As much as I love myself, because I definitely love myself, I will honestly say I am insecure. I can not stand insecure people, in fact I find it very unappealing. I love being alone, I love my own company, I even like the way I look, well I am sure I could look better but I am very happy with what I look like. That isn't the insecurity I am talking about. I am terrified of losing control or getting lost in some relationship or worst of all, I will be left alone with a broken heart. I normally would never allow a broken heart.  I never let anyone close enough to break my heart or even hurt me.  I know most women and men feel the same way. To realize this about yourself when you are such an ego maniac is kind of scary. I am also getting old....Quickly! Damn I am over 40 and the men in my age group are, well not to be mean but are not as taken care of as I am or they just simply don't give a shit. Either way I tend to date younger men. Who are wonderful and treat me as I should be treated but in reality when it comes right down to it either they will want kids..and I do not or eventually when I start to look my age they will fade away. More than likely I will get bored as I always do with younger men and I will wander. I will sit and write and hopefully publish more books and live out my life vicariously through my character extensions. Maybe I am just a happier person doing what I do best; taking care of others and throwing my heart into fictional stories whether they are being read by me or written. I guess reflecting doesn't really do any good if you aren't willing to do something about it. I just wrote about it so maybe that's a start.