Recently three separate people have told me things about myself that were not a surprise but I didn't think they were actually a problem. I've reflected on these statements and realize they are all true and unless I make a conscience choice to change these little things I may never be a happy fulfilled person.
1- I become friends with the men I date and before I know it that's exactly what we are FRIENDS and nothing more.
In my defense, of course I have to have one or I wouldn't be me, I like men! Not only as partners but as friends. I guess it is hard to separate the two. I understand men better than I understand woman, I also get along with them better then woman.
BUT this is posing a problem because as much as I am friends with the men I date I should be treated as a woman and not a pal. Sadly this happens often. Don't get me wrong, I have made a few wonderful friends over it.
2- Sometimes because I am so independent in my life and strong I take on the burdens of others. I try to save everyone and become their rock.
Okay That's a great quality, right? Well sometimes. I seem to give way much more than I get in relationships and I tend to become resentful. As much as I love helping and being the strength I would really love to have a man turn around and say "No baby, I will take care of it, don't worry." Granted he may get an argument but if he is strong enough and shows me that all will be okay if he does take care of it then maybe I can trust him.
3- I am very cautious and do not allow anyone in. Sometimes...okay well more than sometimes I have been called cold and distant.
This one is very true and as much as I hate to admit it, it is me. I am not cold just protected. I don't like to be vulnerable. More importantly I don't want to hurt any man I am with which I seem to do over and over. So if you keep them at bay no one gets hurt right?.....Nope someone always gets hurt. They are hurt by me because I retreat and become distant even if I care deeply, I am just afraid for the both of us. Again I find this noble but who am I kidding it just keeps me out in the cold.
4- I am not that affectionate and was not brought up in an affectionate home so again I seem cold. I do not mean this ina sexual way. Sexually I am definitely affectionate and extremely giving because pleasing my partner is a huge turn on for me. But in everyday situations, holding hands, hugging, kissing in public.....not me. Again we seem like friends when we are not alone.
I am not this way with all men but I do need to open myself more so I can let the men in that want to treat me as a woman, not their friend, not their lover and not their buddy. I need to allow them to treat me as any other woman would like to be treated. I am way to accepting in being the friend girlfriend! For once in my life I want to allow romance in and see where it takes me. I hope I haven't realized these things too late. We will see, I have began to break down my wall a little and so far I am enjoying being treated like a delicate flower. We will see how long it lasts but I hope it does and maybe just maybe I can change from being the girl everyone depends on to being the loved woman in a man's life.
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